Human

I’ve been writing this blog in my head for weeks. In the midst of a rough season I had already knew how I’d write/tell my testimony. I spoke it before it even came to pass.

I was disappointed in myself and confused as to why I had writers block when God clearly told me that my healing was in my transparency…why don’t I just write through my storm right? Wrong! There are some seasons of our lives that God wants us to be quiet. We can reference Jesus fasting for forty days and nights. His time alone with God empowered him for the journey ahead and prepared him for his public ministry.

When I decided to start blogging, as soon as I posted the first post the attacks began to come…NO LIE! My spirit got low but my faith remained strong and I spoke my way out of every storm. Kept writing and being positive even though most days I wanted to crawl in the bed and cry. And honestly some days I actually did.

It started off when I found out I was pregnant. I made a dream board in January, the biggest word on the board was BABY! My dream came true right!? I should be overjoyed…. I wanted to be. But I wasn’t. Deep down I was ecstatic, I knew my daughter would be the happiest little girl in the world. But I beat myself up about it. Wondering if my testimony had lost it’s power. If my mistake would cost me my dreams. I worried about what other people would think of me and how they’d view me. Mind you in my own world behind closed doors I was already picking out baby names….

Then the time came for me to move. Every time I applied I got denied. I had the money, proof of income and no evictions but all I kept hearing was NO! Started thinking what had I done wrong? Why was everything all of a sudden beginning to crumble. The beginning of the year bought nothing but blessings…. New Job, major opportunities, deeper friendships, closer walk with Christ.

So what’s the tea?! 🙂
Why was everything seeming so dark lately? I remember driving after a storm and seeing a rainbow, Jolie was so excited, as was I. I asked if she knew what a rainbow meant. She said no, so I told her it was a symbol of God’s promise. She was so happy. I remember her clear as day saying, ‘Are we the only ones that can see it? Is God only speaking to us?’ I said no I believe it’s for everyone who sees it but if we’re the only ones who sees it then it’s just for us! Her 6 year old self said…That means God is gonna give us everything we been asking for just like he did before. Smh!
I never forgot those words spoken from the mouth of a child. It was so easy for her. So matter of fact. It’s like she kept pulling on me but I still didn’t get it.

My two hour ultrasound brought the good news of a new little girl but also the fear of a cyst on her brain. I’m a natural cry baby but this news didn’t bring tears. Actually it brought nothing but silence. I didn’t tell anybody, not family or friends. I kept quiet and cried out to God through prayer. It frightened me but it kinda just sat on the pile of disappointment with everything else I was feeling.

You ever been so low till you didn’t even know you were low? We’ll let me tell you about it. I still identified my faith as being strong although there was not much power behind it. I prayed, I spoke better but did I really believe? Was I putting in the work? The bible clearly says My brothers and sisters, if people say they have faith, but do nothing, their faith is worth nothing. Can faith like that save them? (‭James‬ ‭2‬:‭14‬ NCV)

I sat in church in Atlanta like a bump on the log and it was that 6 year old again that pulled me to dance with her while the praise was high. That same little girl prayed and asked God to give her a dance bcuz she didn’t wanna be playing like the other kids in church. She was unconsciously putting fuel behind Gods promises…action with that faith!

God clearly said to me one day as I was driving through a bad storm…. You have faith but no power. It was then I realized why everything had took a turn for me. I had begun to get so consumed with the things of the world, people’s opinion, my CURRENT situation…all the while my faith was dead. Screaming IM NEXT but stuck in my NOW!

I’m HUMAN…flawed! I’m strong, I’m confident but sometimes I get weak. Find that person, that thing that’ll push you back into your purpose.

I didn’t lose my testimony I gained more power.

I’m typing this as I leave my ultrasound, finding NO CYST headed to my new condo all with refueled power and a unwavering Praise!

I say this because I know what I am planning for you,” says the LORD. “I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. (‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29‬:‭11‬ NCV)

I’m perfectly human, but I’m an angel in disguise… Brandy, Human

H.I.T,
Javon